Friday, May 22, 2015
breakdown part 2: how your life breakdown becomes a life upgrade
So, maybe you've read my bio, where I thank my ex for being a pathological liar, gaslighter, and man of mystery (carrying on a 4-year affair behind my back and fooling both the other woman and me).
(Click "About Me" above in the navigation bar, if you'd like to know more.)
And, when I say I'm so grateful, you probably think that I'm just saying that. You don't believe me -- the same way you find it hard to believe people who say that cancer was the most blessed experience of their life. Or that losing their home in foreclosure was the catalyst that brought them to the great life they have today.
I wish I could say something that would allow you to believe me, and to know that what you're living through now has the power to set you up for a new life that is beyond your wildest dreams to imagine it.
This is not a story of sadder, but wiser. I'm not thankful because I simply survived, or because I now know enough never to trust men again (because that's not true).
Yes, I did have plenty of time to contemplate what caused me to choose my then husband as a life partner, and why I trusted him so much that I had no suspicions about what he was up to. But spinning your wheels for months or years in ruminations about what you did, what he did, what were the motivations on both sides, and so forth just keeps you stuck, and keeps you from the big prize that's behind it all.
Maybe you read this post I wrote at the beginning of this year about the breakdown before the breakthrough. Today, I'm taking you to part 2: the life upgrade that's waiting for you beyond the breakthrough.
Everything you've been through has been signalling that you're ready for something better.
What once worked in your life just doesn't work anymore. And the reason that so many dominoes start to fall all at one time -- maybe you've not only divorced, but you've lost your job, your kids are acting out or having problems at school, and you're also dealing with health issues that seem to have come out of nowhere -- is not that your life is falling apart. It's that you're ready for a bigger, shinier, better life, but you'd never have the courage to reach out for it if life didn't make it mandatory.
Of course, it's not mandatory to move on and create a life that you'll love much more than the life you used to have. You could ignore the challenge, decide your life is permanently broken, and become victim to the situation. So many women do that. Years later, they're still telling the same old story about how they chose the wrong men, or how their men did them wrong.
But don't you want an extravagantly joyful life? That's the chance that's being offered to you now.
The only thing that can prevent you from getting it is the belief that you'll never be able to emerge from the pit of sadness, financial constraint, and trouble you feel you're now stuck in. Right now, the sides of the pit seem so steep, and it's so dark that you can't see where to get a foothold. Besides, even if you do crawl out, you're not sure what will be at the top. Will there be friendly people to meet you?
But, if you weren't stuck down there, here's what you could see: Although it's dark, it's actually a rich, warm night. You can't feel the warm breeze because you're too scared. And you can't see that there are handy footholds just right for you, leading step-by-step right out of the pit. And, when you take it just one step at a time, it doesn't feel so hard. You still feel shaky, and you still feel (for a little while) as if you'd like to go back to life you had (because you're only remembering the good parts right now).
Suddenly, you see some loving faces at the top, peering down at you, and they're calling out words of encouragement. Some of them have even been where you are right now, and are talking you through getting to the top, where you can get big hugs and, by now, it's a sunny day, and you'll keep on getting all the help you need until you're pretty satisfied and excited about where you are.
How do I know this? I had just about everything thrown at me that a person could endure while trying to recover from divorce: Financial ruin, death in the family, my own cancer diagnosis, new men in my life who weren't keepers, and much more. That's how I developed the healing strategies -- different from any others -- that worked for me, quickly, even in my extreme situation.
What you are struggling with now is nothing more than a breakdown before the breakthrough. Your former life had to be demolished so that the Universe could give you something better. Something you would never have dared to reach out for while you were in the relative comfort of a so-so, not-too-bad relationship.
Do you feel like the sadness and defeat is going on forever? Do you love the support group you're in but feel that it's not really the answer for you? Is your therapist great, but she's doing a lot of expensive listening and not providing any real advice on how to feel better -- and maybe she's never even been divorced herself?
I'd love to talk with you to get you started on some simple things you can do to start moving toward your upgraded life. And, only if you wish, we can also talk about how I can be by your side while you turn what would have been years and years of grief into just months of getting to the life you want. You can schedule a free mentoring call with me here.