Friday, February 27, 2015

tired of getting the crumbs? put yourself on the A list (or should I say the Bee list).

Have you been wondering what's going on -- why it is that, time and again, you feel like you get the crumbs in your relationships?

Maybe it's really been driven home to you when you see how well your ex is treating the new woman in his life -- doing things for her that he never did for you.

Too many of us have been taught that a good woman presents herself as the one who never asks for anything.  The problem is the disappointment that follows when she gets exactly what she asked for:  nothing.

Pretty soon, we begin to believe, ourselves, that good things happen only to someone else, and we expect to receive second or third best . . . or nothing at all.  We expect that the man in our lives will forget significant dates, fail to come through on his promises, and will disappoint us again and again.

Men pick up on this.  They, often unconsciously, give you what you've asked for.  And, sometimes, what you're unwittingly asking for is to be treated as a doormat.

If, in your new, post-divorce life, your conversation is an unremitting drama of things continually going wrong for you, the men you meet may very well think of you as an attractive liability -- one whom they can't afford, no matter how engaging your personality or attractive your appearance.

If the first and continuing impression you give out is not that of a high-quality, high-value woman -- someone he would be extremely lucky to have as his own -- you're headed for the kind of treatment you received from your ex-husband . . . all over again.

Fake it 'till you make it:  You have to start somewhere.
You may feel tired and beaten down, and you may wonder whether anyone worth having will really want you.  You may be settling for bottom-of-the-barrel dates -- or men who are already taken -- simply because you have nothing to prove to them.  It may feel safer to you than facing rejection by a guy you feel you can only dream about having.

When you stand on your own two feet and prosper on your own, having a fun social circle of friends you're proud of, and a job you really like, you begin to become the woman who will seem a very good match to the kind of man you'd actually want.  The kind of person who may seem like a stretch to you right now.

The Bee List:  The Queen Bee List
The problem with the kind of man who is attracted to the always-in-crisis kind of woman is that you must remain a victim for him to stay interested in you.  You have to be in the one-down position.  But that's not who you want to be anymore.

If you want to be the Queen Bee, you have to surround yourself with honey.  When you think of it that way, it's sounds like fun, doesn't it?  It does to me -- and I gather in the honey every day.

Mmmmm, how could you start surrounding yourself with honey right now?  Making yourself feel so good that everyone wants to be around this fascinating, uplifting, joyous, multifaceted woman.

Yes, it will take some effort to go from feeling as you do at this moment to becoming the Queen Bee of your own life, but what's the alternative?  When I think of the 50 Shades of Grey, I don't think about kinky sex; instead I think about how grey life is when you feel you have to give up hope of the good life that so many other women have, and instead live a life of, "Well, things could be worse."

What's your next step? 
Read any of the posts on this blog.  Most of them give a few "try me" steps toward giving yourself the respect you deserve (so that others in your life will respect you, too).  Or, you could have a virtual coffee date with me!  It's free, and we can talk about what's going on for you.  You can catch me at

Friday, February 20, 2015

being invisible . . . does it feel like this?

Today, I want to share with you some things that women in my Dynamic Divorcée community have said to me -- this month alone -- on the subject of feeling invisible.  (But, keep reading past the sadness, because -- let's not stay in this invisible black hole!)

First, some raw and honest responses to the question, "What does being invisible mean to you?" 

"Hollow. I see the person in the mirror.  She looks like a tired version of someone I used to know.  She's definitely not the vibrant person I used to see."

"Being treated like you are worthless, weak, and can be bullied."

"Irrelevant, stuck on auto pilot, bland, grey."

"It seems no one sees me, my pain, my value as a human. I feel like everyone just sees me as a tool to get what they need."

"Feeling as if I am not making a lively and beneficial contribution to friends and family, and the world.  Also, feeling small because everyone else seems to be so dominant and happy."  

"It's going about my daily life like a robot of sorts, nobody seems to notice you.  You're there and even appreciated, but nobody seems to take the time to ask you to do things with them."

These are just a few of many responses that I received when I did a giveaway of private coaching with me in my Invisible to Irresistible program.  (If you want to know more about that, click here.  You can even fill out a brief questionnaire on that page, if you'd like to chat about the program free of charge with me.)

Okay, let's try to shift this dreadful, maybe-the-best-part-of-life-is-over feeling.  Is it possible to see the humor in this?  If you haven't seen the Mindy is Invisible superbowl ad (and even if you have),  take a look:

I love this because, while you're working out ways to be less invisible in your life, it's fun to enjoy all the things you can get away with since no one's looking.  (Though I don't recommend eating the gallon of ice cream while walking down the grocery aisle!)

Okay, once you've seen the funny side of this situation, what can you do?

How about starting with this.  Ask yourself, "How can I be a little more outrageous today?"  Wow, there's a pretty good chance that you've never even aspired to being outrageous.  In fact, maybe you're not even sure what that might mean for you.

Good.  Time to think about it!

Is your closet almost entirely comprised of neutrals?  Hmmm.  How much fun is that?  Maybe it's time to remember what your favorite color is and to include it -- love seeing it in your surroundings, and on you!

When was the last time you created a little adventurous fun in your life?  Eat something different, see something different, hang out with someone who isn't part of your usual circle.  Find something to get excited about.  You can't be excited and interested in life and still be grey and invisible.  

Don't feel like taking the above suggestion?  Is your inner response that you're just too tired, too cash poor, too depressed?  That's what I'm here for.  To tell you to stop resisting and to take a baby step in the direction of being the person you've dreamed of being.  

Maybe you stopped having personal dreams (you know, the ones that get you really excited with positive expectation) a long time ago.  It's time to get back in touch with the young, hopeful you -- in little ways that feel safe to explore.

And, out of the foggy, grey invisible form that you now see as you, colors and focus and a beautiful form will start to emerge from the inside out.

What is one small thing you can do today to step out from behind the mask of invisibility, and say "Here I am!"?

I keep linking to this blog post of mine from last year, but if you haven't seen it yet, it's all about using just a simple smile to feel better right now.  If you're completely stumped about a first step to take, take this one!

Saturday, February 14, 2015

create a very special Valentine's Day -- for you!

I'll bet most of us can remember at least a few occasions when we spent days or weeks planning the perfect Valentine's Day (or the perfect surprise birthday, or the perfect surprise getaway . . .) for a special man in our lives.

And, I'll further bet that relatively few of us can remember a time when a loved one did anything even remotely that special for us.

Well, it's time to do something about that.

You may have noticed that the women who get all the good things in life are those women our moms disapproved of.  The ones who weren't appropriately humble and self-sacrificing.  The ones who didn't mind showing off a little, and who liked to stand out in the crowd instead of fading into the wallpaper.

So how bad were these fun-loving, have-it-all women, really?  And, wasn't there a little bit of sour grapes in our moms' reasoning?  Why is being a selfless doormat what the "good" woman is supposed to be?

That woman who everyone said was able to "twist a man around her little finger"?  Modern day translation:  She was charming, cared about what she wanted as much as she cared about what "he" wanted, and wouldn't allow herself to be a victim.  Is that really so bad?

This Valentine's Day, (whether or not you're romantically involved at the moment), here's what I propose:  Try on a little of that "I deserve the best" personality.

Step 1.  If you have children, or a special "signifcant other" in your life, ask for what you want.  There's still time to receive a thoughtful homemade Valentine, or a bunch of pretty flowers.  Remember, those who ask, get.  We teach people how to treat us, so let's start teaching!

Step 2.  Give yourself something that you'd love someone special to give you.  Don't wait for that special guy to come along.  Give yourself a special gift this Valentine's Day that will remind you how much you love and care about yourself.  Have fun picking it out.  Every time you see, use, or wear this item, you'll remember that you are a very precious person who makes sure that everyone treats you right.

Step 3.  Take this very special day of love to start one small daily practice that will help you grow in self love every day.  This should be a very simple gesture of self-care that doesn't take very long to perform, but makes you feel relaxed and cared for.  What will it be for you?  For me, sometimes it's just to take time to paint my nails, or to have a few minutes each morning to do my smiling meditation (just sit still, close your eyes, relax your breathing and smile).  For more on the power of smiling, click here.

Dare to take these three steps, and you are guaranteed to have a beautiful Valentine's Day -- and to start the path to becoming that women who gets to have everything she wants.

Friday, February 6, 2015

men don't leave: weekend view from the couch

Men Don't Leave is a 1990 drama starring Jessica Lange as a widow and stay-at-home mom who must somehow support her two sons with no work experience and nothing but a high school diploma.  Without time to grieve, and with a bit of a chip on her shoulder, she drifts through a move to a new city, making tentative attempts to build a new life.

The story is realistic and is one of those few films that focuses on what a woman endures when blindsided by a life change she never prepared for.

If you're a fan of Joan Cusack, she has a great supporting role in this film, with her character developing in a way that you'd never expect.

Recommended "view from the couch" entertainment that may leave you feeling strangely uplifted when you get to the end of it.  It made me remember how the small kindnesses of a few strangers made such a difference as the dominos that once were my life fell in rapid succession, one after another.